I'm so fucking done.

I’m so ready to move on. I’m ready to work again, to have some consistency, to pay my bills, to meet someone that has their shit together. Someone that has a stable job, a career, a home, passions, is healthy, wants a partner to live and grow with, will make me laugh, will be there, be supportive, loving, have a great family, be able to provide emotionally, and financially, be responsible, but will take risks and be spontaneous, a man, or woman, that will think I’m beautiful and tell me and show me. Someone that isn’t draining, isn’t hard work, isn’t a remora.

Friday night H and I were supposed to have dinner together. I don’t know why I even thought it was a good idea. I guess I just want to know that he still wants to be with me and spend his time with me and maybe, just maybe, still make me a priority. He texts asking if I want to go have tacos in the Mission, and I’m like sure, sounds like an adventure. After all, I fell in love with him over consomé in a styrofoam cup in Fruitvale. Maybe this would make me fall in love with him again. Instead it turns into this bizarre coordination of him needing to go buy clothes after work, have me take BART in and meet him at the West Oakland BART, and he mentions twice that he’ll be going home to his parents that night. So I’m like, what is the fucking point? I’ve already had an insane stressful day, I’ve got mixed feelings about him at this point, and I know I’m putting myself in yet another stupid situation with him. I KNOW I’m going to end the night angry and disappointed and shaming myself. So I call him, and calmly tell him I don’t want to go into this with him having a curfew. He says, it’s not a curfew, then yells at me that he has to go and he’ll talk to me tomorrow. All I do is text back “WTH?” I’m so enraged. Why, why, why, do I do this to myself? I wrap up what I’m doing and go to my friends place to see their beautiful happy children, work on a proposal, and be in the presence of sanity and love and support.

The next day, I wake up angry. I had fallen back asleep and into a nightmare where we’re in the car with his entire family and we’re fighting. He looks scruffy and unkempt, the way that I’ve grown to expect him in the last three months. Even in my dream I’m asking why I’m doing this to myself.

We were supposed to go to his family reunion that day. We’d been talking about it for four months. Since I was in Italy. It was at his family’s horse farm in American Canyon, and I’d been looking forward to it since he first mentioned it. Except when we first talked about it, we were imagining showing up engaged. It would have been a celebration of us as well. In my mind I might even be pregnant at that point. But over the last month, when he’d ask if I was coming, I didn’t know what the point was. There was no way we were going to get back to what we were at this point. There was and is no point. But I'd still planned on going, and these days I am closer to several members of his family than him, which would have made it weirder still.

I had a hair appointment, and by the time I got there that morning I was about to have a panic attack. He texted, “Meet at your place at one?” And I responded, “Meet for what?” He said, “Nevermind, Have a great Weekend.” So I immediately call him back, and it goes to voicemail three times. The third time I just start yelling into it. “Why do you even keep contacting me?! It’s clear that your heart isn’t even in it anymore! You’re just hurting me at this point! You’re never going to get better for me because you’re not even trying! Live your secret life in Tracy with J! I don’t want this! I don’t deserve this! I’m done! I am done! I am SO FUCKING done!”

And that’s the last I’ve heard from him. Which sucks. I wanted him to have a chance to defend himself or apologize, not be a pussy and let me do it on his voicemail. But I was literally having an anxiety attack. I have an emergency joint in my car, that I clamoured to light with a pack of Playboy matches from the city, took two huge hits and went into my hair appointment.

And I’ve spent the rest of the weekend in bed for the most part. I worked a three hour bartending shift, and that was the highlight of my day. I saw photos his family posted of the reunion. He was in a few. I couldn't tell if he had been drinking. I was sad that I wasn't there after all we'd talked about. I was in bed fully clothed at 7:30 last night watching Parenthood on Netflix, swiping on Bumble, JSwipe, and Hinge between episodes, and even though I was getting responses for the first time since I redownloaded everything, my heart just wasn’t in it. I didn’t actually fall asleep until midnight. At one point I sat up in bed to meditate and just started crying and praying. Praying for a job to come through, for love and support, and stability in my career and in a relationship to come my way soon. For some semblance of the normal and loving life I think that I deserve. I really think that I deserve that.

#SingleinOakland #Bumble #Hinge #JSwipe