And then he went in for his six day "meditation retreat", and I kissed my friend's ex

And just like that one of the most attractive women I know, is kissing me and flirting with me at my regular wine spot. She’s my friend’s ex wife. Just like every lesbian that I know since I've been divorced, she asked me if I was dating men or women now. In the meantime, this day was insane. I helped to open a new restaurant the night before, and worked until three in the morning, hours after my bedtime. H called me at 830 to tell me he was on his way. It was his idea to hang out. I wasn’t excited about it. He’s still not the person I fell in love with. He finally shaved, but it didn’t reveal the Aztec romance novel man that I spent every moment with before Italy.

He got in bed with me, fully clothed. I tried to instigate things and he laid there like a dead fish, completely unresponsive. Against my better judgement we’d slept together twice this week, and he left right after, both times. It’s my fault. I never should have let him back in. Buuuuuuut...he starts his six day sentence on Monday. And I wanted to be there for him. Because I still love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore.

Last week when I was at church, during the meditation, I finally did the severance ceremony. I did three swipes in front of my heart, and asked to be released from him, to find someone healthy that loves me in the way that I deserve to be loved. And it worked. We had lunch on Monday, and when we kissed it was nothing. He doesn’t make me happy. I told him I was afraid that by the time he got back to the person that I met, it was going to be too late because of all of the destruction he’d done.

So, after trying to connect for about an hour and feeling hurt and rejected, secretly shedding tears in the laundry room, we got in the car and headed to the coast to go fishing. We didn’t hold hands, lunch was kind of awkward. We ate somewhere in Half Moon Bay, and the last time that I was there was with my friend, the week I’d met H. I was so over the moon in love with him. We talked about him almost the entire time. He said, “You probably regret that now.” And I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never regretted anything, but a month ago, I was crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and I said that I wished I’d never met him. I still don’t know why I’ve had to go through this.

We fished at the secret beach, the weather was the most incredible I’ve seen on the coast. Low seventies, no clouds, perfect breeze. But we were simultaneously fishing over a hundred feet from each other. I was so confused, and hurt, and trying to just enjoy fishing, but why was I there? I’m not his fishing buddy. I was going to marry him. I’d been through this with him when we were going to turn him in on July 5th, except it was twenty four hours of passion and incredible sex, and love and devotion, even though he’d betrayed me right before then. We’d worked through it and recommitted. Since then things have been a disaster.

We drove home, and I asked him if he wanted to come in. He didn’t. He didn’t want to drag it out. We hugged. Kissed, but not passionately. I wonder if he’s over me too. Or maybe he’s just trying to be strong. He’s withdrawn, but isn’t that what I want and need to get over him?

I didn’t cry, I was kind of detached. I changed and went to my spot for their two year anniversary party for a glass of champagne before the dinner I was hosting. I spotted my friend. She’s beautiful and I hadn’t seen her in a long time, but I thought about her three times last week. I saw her doppelganger at the wine shop, she looks so much like an actress in a show that I watch, I thought there was a chance that she actually was an actress. She get’s so excited when she spotted me and she pulls me into a corner and starts holding my hand, twirling me around. She’s buzzed, and being insanely flirtatious. She asks me if I’m dating women, and I tell her that women still terrify me. I’m too insecure and don’t want to handle the rejection. But honestly, I’m a mess. I’m no where near over H, and I shouldn’t be dating until I have an income again. But she starts telling me how much we have in common, how beautiful I am, talking about dating women, and men, bringing up sex, and asking me about all of the above. And then I’m like, she’s talking about me, about us. We end up kissing twice, in a friendly way...on the lips. And then I’m like, yeah! Fuck yeah! She’s amazing. I want to go camping, go fishing together, go wine tasting, cook together, watch movies and shows together, be loving, be passionate, be supportive, be understanding. But she’s drunk, and she’ll probably come to her senses tomorrow.

#alcoholic #lesbian #SingleinOakland