For a minute there, I lost myself.

Still no word. I’m wondering if he made it into work today. I slept most of the night thanks to a couple of Calms Forte, but woke up and instantly checked my phone around six. I just keep thinking this is SO weird. What the hell happened to my life? When I was talking to Kendall the other day I was so heartbroken I told her that I almost wish I’d never met him. I’ve never felt that about anyone. I’ve been trying to look at this from a mile high. Why am I going through this. The obvious one is to learn to never ever date an addict ever, ever, again. Or maybe it’s that I’m going to fulfill my Baja dream, but with someone else. Maybe it’s with his family that I’ve become close with. Maybe he was just the gateway to bigger and better things. I’m trying to attach some type of significance to this. I’m trying to be optimistic, to feel relief instead of this extreme heartache and sadness. To look at this as just another chapter in this ridiculous time in my life.

So what's next? I feel like H was a course that was delicious and intense, a bite of something with a heat and spice that causes euphoria and a certain addiction, but you're ready to move on. Your body can't handle it. You need the pain to subside. Something better is coming up next. You need a palate cleanser then you'll be ready for the next course. Where is my palate cleanser? Do I go back to a reliable distraction, or find a new one through swiping?

I went to a kickboxing circuit training this morning that I really enjoyed. I kicked the shit out of the bag imagining it was H, and then I felt kind of bad. I went to his sister’s restaurant after to grab lunch to go. I guess part of me knew I was going to tell her everything. She sat down with me and she said she felt it. She knew when I walked in. I’ve come to learn so much about his family over the last few months, and I’ve become pretty close with her and her son (who is H’s age). I’ve never wanted to be a part of someone’s family so bad. I love and care about these people sincerely. And we all care about him. The whole family was rooting for us. She told me about her ex husband, who was an alcoholic and was incredibly abusive verbally. Her kids ended up intervening and she needed to move out of the area for over a year to get over him. She knows how incredible H is, and what potential we had together. But she told me that I don’t deserve the way he was treating me. That once I felt better about myself, things would be better. She’s totally right. He’s been a huge distraction and prevented me from concentrating on myself and my career.

I’m not going to stop seeing his family. It will probably be a long time before I stop loving him and caring about him. And if talking to my friends that have dated addicts before is any indication, there is a chance I’ll never get over him. That I’ll think of him and the intense passion, and romance, and love we had even into a healthy amazing marriage, like them. That sounds like fucking torture.