Saturday

He couldn’t sleep, and then I couldn’t sleep. We ended up making love that morning. It felt so so so right. He almost fell asleep on me. He’d said, “I love you.” a few times over the last two days with a renewed intensity. It felt like he was getting clear. He left for work, and I was blissed out, but had an anxious feeling in the back of my mind. I had plans all weekend, so I was hoping that we would be able to continue this casual but committed arrangement. He’d be in Tracy to take care of his dad, we’d have necessary space, but things would be great when he would come over. He’d get the help that he needed.

I was driving up to Napa for the day so offered to drop off some honey sticks for his dad at work. He’d just started chemo and couldn’t chew or smoke, and we both thought that they would help. He said sure, and asked if I could also bring the vaporizer. At this point I’d paid for hundreds of dollars of pot for him.

All I got in return was a dead sex drive and a new addiction from him. I texted back, “Will it help you to not drink while you’re out there?” His response was, “Or don’t bring anything. I have a mother already!” “Ow” “Keep it up” “Nevermind” “Don’t come by here” “I’m not” “Thanks for ruining my day” “Ditto. You don’t talk to someone you love and respect like that or compare them to someone you hate. All I did was offer to drop something off to help your dad. I love you, please don’t sabotage everything again.” “What?! Sabotage again!! Get off my fucking ass and stop probing me!!”

He’d never swore at me before. He flipped. I was stunned. I was heartbroken. I was so confused. I was hurt. Seriously, all I’d ever done was love him unconditionally. I spent the day in Napa with friends. Very successful friends. I took hours floating in the saltwater pool on their incredible property to finally go, “What the hell am I doing with this loser?” But I know he’s not. He’s someone I’ve loved more than I’ve ever loved anyone that I’ve been with. And I know he’s incredible. But this is the definition of insanity. I’ve never broken up with someone like this. That is something that you do in Junior High or High School, not as someone approaching 40. He’s stunted at high school. That’s when his addiction started. He has not emotionally evolved since then. It’s tragic. We had so much potential. Now all I can think is that he’s going to get a third DUI, end up in prison for at least three months, and his father will die with him in there.