Thursday

I woke up to no texts. I had a really busy business morning so I was distracted. I had to pick up something for a friend who lives in the same neighborhood of H’s work...so I asked him if he wanted to have lunch. He immediately responded “Yes”. I was so fricking happy. I drove up and parked in front of his shop. I had no idea what to expect, but he got into the car, and what I thought would be a friendly kiss turned into two of the most passionate kisses we’d ever shared. We walked to lunch hand in hand. He asked me on a date for the following night. It would be his first paycheck in weeks, and the first time that he was going to be able to pay for a proper date since we met. I was so excited. He would finally be able to be the man in the relationship. I was excited for both of us. He asked if I was going to be home later and I said yes. He asked me if I wanted him to stop by, and I slowly answered yes. We walked back to my car and he was so affectionate, and passionate...and horney. Obviously there is something that he loves about being pushed away, physically and emotionally.

He came by, and we held each other in the living room. I was so confused. I never thought I’d see him again and our feelings were more intense than ever. I asked him what he wanted, he said he just wanted us to be happy. I said I want that too. He said what do you want, and I said I want to get married and have his children. He took a shower (after I snuck in and put all of his things back in the bathroom) and we ended up in bed together. We talked about having kids, he said, “I thought you didn’t want them?” I said, “I didn’t. It’s you. I can picture our children, I can picture you with them, I can picture them as an integral part of our future. You said you didn’t want them.” “I only said that because you didn’t want them.” I said, “Okay, as soon as things are on track I’ll have the IUD removed and we can start trying.”

I asked him if he was going to stay for dinner. Part of me was still hoping he was just stopping by. The lines were blurring and he didn’t say anything about getting help or going into treatment. He asked me if I wanted him to leave, and I said, “I never want you to leave.”