Ending it, sobbing uncontrollably, and an unsent letter

I went out to Era last night because H was staying with his parents. He has a required class that he takes on Tuesday evenings there. He said he was going to stay out there after. His dad is dying, and I think it’s rapidly at this point although he’s just started chemo. He can barely eat because they removed his teeth, part of his jaw, and part of his neck. He’s been primarily on broths, but those can’t have enough calories. It’s insane that I went through this with my ex husband. His hero died over the course of about two years, and it ultimately was more than he could handle. I took on a lot of the responsibilities and offered my services wherever possible. It’s devastating for everyone involved. But not having the tools to handle your emotions is a recipe for disaster. After being an alcoholic for over two decades, H is in no way prepared to deal with this.

So I haven’t been giving him a hard time about staying out there with him, but I also knew that it was inevitable that he would relapse. There’s nothing that I can do to prevent that anymore, and I know that now, and it’s heartbreaking. He left work this morning because he wasn’t feeling well, and while he tried to hide it, I figured out that he was drunk/hungover pretty quickly. We went for a drive, and in my mind I kept repeating, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.” He was babbling. Saying more than I’d heard him speak in a week. Further proof that he was drunk, and things were very wrong. I asked him if he even wanted to get better, if he was even going to try to get help. He said he was beyond help. On the drive back he was more affectionate than he’s been in a while. The Cure was playing and the lyrics “and then you throw it all away” came on and I lost it. Somehow he didn’t notice. My sweet, caring, compassionate man, didn’t notice.

When we got home I knew it was now or never. If I let him stay, I wouldn’t make him leave. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. He said that he loved me. We sat down, me on his lap, just holding each other, and I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t go through this with him. I couldn’t make him want to get better. He said okay, and got his stuff and brought it to the truck. He kissed me and said good bye and I stood on the sidewalk in a combination state of shock and relief. Over the next few hours I wrote this to him, but haven’t sent it.

This has been the most intense three and a half months of any relationship I've ever been in. I've loved you more intensely and thoroughly and unconditionally than I thought I was capable of. It's been torture ever since you called me drunk that one night while I was in Rome. I felt like the floor dropped out from under me. Then coming home to you drunk at the airport, unable to find my car, and me being unable to appreciate the most incredible bouquet I've ever received because of it. There are so many times that I wanted to thank you for that amazing gesture, to apologize for not being able to show you how much they meant to me.

Since then I have been riddled with more anxiety than I've felt since I was married, to someone that was lying to me about their addiction and emotional state. I was feeling crazy again. There was no way that you would go back to drinking after we planned a life and family together, I kept telling myself. After both of us have been through so much in such a short period of time, I was positive that we would make it through this. That you would get back on track and be the man you were born to be. I tried to give you space, and support, and respect, and any tools that I could. I thought the job would make everything better, I thought the aya would make everything better, I thought me being home from Italy would make everything better. It's heartbreaking to feel so helpless. To watch someone destroy their life, their relationships, their health, and not being able to do anything about it, especially when that person is your entire world.

Everyone more or less knows what you're going through because they've been watching it far longer than me. And I'm positive that your father, A, R, and probably other family members and friends want you to get better, want you to have an incredible life and future. I don't know if you let Julio bring you down, or if it's a way to keep yourself down. I don't know if it's another toxic relationship that enables you to slide backwards. I know that you don't have many or any healthy people in your life, and that has to be a contributing factor.

Right in the beginning when I was saying, "I love you" a million times in my head until you said, "I hatechu" and then we knew we had finally found each other. We would lie in bed and you'd ask if I was going to marry you until I was sure that that was what I wanted. We talked about the reception, the honeymoon, and I seriously considered eloping so many times before I left. When I was in Italy and you said you were going to get me a ring, I never told you not to. I wanted to be your wife. I wanted us to be everything to each other. Over the last few weeks in my mind I've been saying, "Marry me" and "Let's have a baby" everytime that I look into your eyes. I wanted to fast forward past this messy part so that we could start our life together. I wanted to start trying to get pregnant last week. I could picture you with our child resting against your bare chest.

But I was feeling you pull back again. I'd be sick wondering what was really going on in Tracy, and why you didn't want me there. After everything we talked about, it was more than I could wrap my head around. I'd tell you at night that I loved you and that you were the world to me, and you wouldn't respond. When I said that I would have died to be lying in bed with you while I was in Italy, and you didn't say anything back. You stopped saying I love you at the end of phone calls. I worried that what you said to me when you were drunk about wanting a family and a future with me was something that you wished that you could take back. I started feeling used and insecure again.

You saying goodbye, and not fighting for us today confirmed my biggest fears. That you'd rather give up on yourself and us than do the work to become better and defeat this dependency.

I want more than anything for you to get into a program, to work the recovery steps, to have clarity and purpose and dignity, to be the man that I fell in love with. To have the tools to communicate and deal with your emotions. It's killing me to let you go, to give up the only threads of optimism that remained, to not fall back into the unquestionable love that we have for each other, but I can't watch you destroy your life and our future, and sit by hoping things will get better and making myself sick. I would give anything to have you the healthy amazing man that I fell in love with, but my hands are tied. This is completely up to you. You are the one in control of your life and your actions. I can't be a part of a codependent relationship where it becomes one sided and I end up enabling you by forgiving the lies and the relapses over and over.

I just bought a grip of lacy black panties and white dresses to wear for him. Now what?

I feel like I’ll never get over this. He’s out fishing and I’m at home sobbing so hard I can barely breathe with girlfriends trying to console me through phone and texts.

Kendal made me take half of an adavant. I’m zoned out and trying to concentrate on applying for jobs. I’m probably going to call him. I want him to apologize, say that he’s going to his first meeting tonight, that he can’t stop thinking about me, that we’ll make it work somehow. For some reason I want him to know that I’m not out. That I haven’t stopped thinking about him. That leaving him was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.

I got back on Bumble, and it feels like the saddest swipes in the history of online dating.

What’s going to happen to him? Will he end up with his ex? Will he drink himself to death? Will he get better, bring me flowers and a grip of money in an attempt to even out the spending that I went through over the last three and a half months. Hold me, kiss me, tell me he wants to marry me and bring me a modest ring...