The definition of insanity

My friends have all said, “This is not what I want for you.” They have been so patient with me, and I’ve apologized to Kendal for having to watch me go through this. She’s still involved with her ex who is a raging alcoholic that is putting their company in jeopardy every day, and continues to verbally abuse her fairly regularly. She sees how stressed out and miserable I am. I was going to end it the other night. He had said that he was going to be headed home soon on Saturday and I had to check in with him twice to see where he was before he finally got home after seven. Considering he went back out to his parents the next day to work on their house, I’m assuming he was with his ex, but have no proof or indication other than the feeling and two avoided phone calls. I told myself if he picked up the phone and was drinking I would tell him to stay out there, and then officially end things when he was sober. He picked up and had not been drinking. He was a total buzz kill the whole night at the first party, so I ended up leaving him at home to go to the EBRMC 22nd anniversary party with two guy friends. He didn’t even try to stop me.

The next day he was gone most of it, I reconnected with friends that I hadn’t seen in awhile, and waited to hear from him. I met him out at the pier really late and he was so high he was in an insane mood laughing and being really funny and sweet. Things were good again.

He called me on his lunch break to check in, which I thought was weird. He started saying I love you again. Something seems off. He came home after work and was miserable. Not just not feeling well, but seemed like he was in a really dark place. I didn’t push it, I tried to give him space. We went to bed while the sun was still up and watched two movies together. During the second movie I said, “Do you know how many nights I was in Italy where I would have died to do this with you?” And I got no response. I didn’t sleep most of the night.

I can’t be with someone that can’t communicate. I spent years feeling insecure and crazy because I knew my husband was hiding something and I didn’t know what, and he wouldn’t tell me. Instead our counselor told me I was judgemental and tried to get me to do all of these self esteem workbooks. Turns out he was massively addicted to pills, alcohol, weed, tobacco, and mixed all of them to the point he failed the liver panel when we tried to get life insurance three times.

So while I love H more than I’ve ever loved anyone I’ve been with, and even though I feel like there is a more serious connection than can be explained, and the sex is great, and the passion and romance were amazing, everything is starting to fade. It’s too much for me to deal with. I have to get my life back on track, get my career back on track, and find someone that is healthy and will grow with me. Motivate me, raise me up, make me feel like I’m the most important person in their life.

I don’t know when or how to end things. I know this will be the last time though. I can’t do this again, I think it’s the definition of insanity.