A key to the house

Yesterday he got home a bit before I did. I’ve never given him a key to my house. The only one that I did that for was Mike, and I’m not entirely sure why, but I knew that I could trust him. H I’m still leary of. I know, not a good sign. Plus he doesn’t seem to get along with my roommate, and I don’t know that she feels comfortable having him here. Either way, on the drive home, I decided that if we were really going to make things work this time I was going to give him a key when I got home. Before I’d lied and said that I didn’t have an extra set. I think that was when I got back from Italy but I’m not entirely sure of the timing.

This week something came up and I made a comment about when/if my roommate were to move out I’d do something differently, or I was going to upgrade something...honestly can’t remember what I was saying, but he said something like, “Oh, you’d get another roommate?” And I said yes, and didn’t think much of it. Later I asked him if he wouldn’t want me to get another one and he said yes, he’d rather contribute to the mortgage and have some privacy. I said that he needed to tell me things like that, and his typical response was, “Well, I’m telling you now.”

So I get home from a pretty great day, looking forward to seeing him, and he’s sitting in the back, and he’s actually being all flirty. I say, “Hey, I’m going to try to have a key made for you next week.” And instead of gratitude and happiness, he says he doesn’t want one. He doesn’t want to be responsible for anything. And I’m like wait! This is a step in the wrong direction. And I asked him if everything is okay, and he says, “Fuck! I hate it when you ask me that!” And I said, “Well your track record dictates that you don’t tell me the truth when I ask you.” And his response was somewhere along the lines of well my track record was bad when you met me. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? When I met you you were sober, you were honest, you wanted to have a life together. It sent me in near panic attack mode for the rest of the night. I can’t have a conversation with someone where their instant response is, “I hate it when you ask…!” It’s making me feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Exactly what someone told me that was dating an addict. Later in bed he told me that he hates depending on me, that he’s always been the provider. Honestly I’m getting tired of it too. I wouldn’t if I thought that it was going to come back to me, but when we stop having fun, stop talking about the future, that’s when I get worried and start to get resentful.

And I’m insecure right now. I don’t know when I’m going to start working and how much I’m going to make. My debt has gotten nuts again. I haven’t opened the mail in two weeks. I’m starting to get optimistic about jobs and possibilities, but still haven’t found something, and honestly I’ve been more concerned with H and his well being than mine and prioritizing my life. I know everyone in my life sees this. Hell, I see it. But I just keep hoping and thinking that it’s going to get better, and at this point I’m not sure that it will. He’s out in Tracy this weekend working on an unexpected side job. I’m happy for him. He needs the work and the money, but he never asked me if I was okay with it. We had plans to go to my friend’s party tonight. He even confirmed earlier this week that he’d be there. That’s not how things are supposed to work.

When things are good, they’re profoundly good. When they’re not good, I’m miserable and in a state of constant panic and anxiety. Things are mainly not good.