Why can't things be easy?

I don’t know what’s going on. I’m in a bad place emotionally. The job thing is starting to drive me nuts. All of the offers I’m getting are about half of what I need to make, much less what I want to and deserve to make. H was working for a company that can’t even pay his most recent check for 5 hours of labor. He hates that I pay for everything and I can’t anymore. I’m getting really close to tapping into my savings and that is scaring me. I’m thoroughly overwhelmed again. What do I want to do with my life? My career? My relationship?

Whenever things don't work out I blame the way that I look. The companies I'm applying with want a hot bimbo, not a seven that knows her shit and can outsell any of them. He's not engaging me because his exes are way hotter then me, he finally realized that I look gross. Whatever it is, hurts. I shouldn't look or feel this way about myself. But the truth is, I feel great about who I am as a person, but feel very insecure about the way that I look the moment someone else doesn't respond or pulls back. And his new addiction to weed has killed his sex drive and made him depressed. I know this has nothing to do with me.

I’ve felt a level of love with H that I don’t think I’ve ever felt. It feels like the love you experience in Junior High, where you felt like you would die without the person. It’s overwhelming. My heart aches when I’m with him and when I’m away from him. I wish that we could just stay on point. Both of us work and save for two years, buy a place in Baja, open the Bed and Breakfast, and live out our lives running a business that will bring happiness and peace to everyone that stays with us.

At this point he is the only thing standing in the way of this becoming a reality. His destructive behavior is wrecking his life and it’s wrecking our relationship. He’s miserable with himself. It’s heartbreaking to witness. He’s drowning in the stress. He’s smoking weed until he’s numb, so numb that he has no sex drive. When he’s feeling, when he’s present, and here, he’s amazing. He’s real, he’s the most passionate loving, thoughtful person.

Yesterday he came to my house and he’d been drinking. He wasn’t drunk, but I could smell it. I asked him if he’d been drinking and he said yes. I told him thank you for not lying to me. He said that he didn’t have to lie to me. But, he could have been pulled over and arrested and everything would have been lost forever. And to know that he’s risking that is heartbreaking. It’s putting our future in jeopardy, and his alcoholism will put my home in jeopardy. He's a liability. I know that I should just leave him and not let him back in, but it’s become nearly impossible. All he has to do is check on me and he’s back in. Not in a creepy way, he doesn’t need anything, he genuinely cares. Fuck, I’m getting so depressed and stressed out over this. All I have to do is think about his ex and my blood goes cold.

All of his things are gone now. I put all of his things in a bag, which he saw today and took with him, so unless there are dirty clothes of his, everything is gone.

What if he doesn’t come back? What if that was it? What if we’re over for real this time? Is that why my heart hurts? Knowing that there is a possibility of this being done. I know it would be for the best, but that’s the last thing that I want. I’m madly and completely in love with him, and worried that I’ll never have this same feeling again, but I could do without the stress and the second guessing, and the hurt from the destructive behavior that he brings to my life and our relationship.

He's going to Mexico with his parents this weekend. What I’m hoping is that he comes back with clarity, and determination. He’ll find a full time job, he’ll get through his classes, he’ll get his finances or bankruptcy dealt with, we’ll go on trips together, read books together, do art together, cook together, exercise together. And build a life together. Possibly have babies that he would be an amazing father for. My heart hurts.