Living a nightmare with an addict

It's over.

I'm devastated and feel like my heart has been ripped out. I'm betrayed and jaded. Saturday morning while he was in the shower I went into his phone and read the texts to his ex. He'd gone to a baseball game with her and said he was with his coworker. They took a selfie. He was telling her he loved her. Calling her the pet names he called me. I yelled at him to get the fuck out of my house. I through his shit out of my garage. I started punching at him and telling him that he was a piece of shit and he'd never have dignity (I knew how much he wanted that). I drove 110 miles an hour to The Kid's house and cried.

H kept calling. We talked extensively. After he left my house he went to the hospital because he was having a panic attack and thought he was dieing. He never wanted to hurt me. We have something that him and his ex would never have. He was going to stay in the mountains with his uncle off the grid to figure things out until Tuesday morning when he had to turn himself in for a DUI 6 day sentence. I went on a five hour hike with a best friend. I couldn't stop thinking about him. H and I kept checking in on each other. We both wanted to make sure the other was okay.

It's a lot of responsibility to be with an addict. If they relapse you feel responsible, if they haven't yet, you feel it's only a matter of time, and you constantly think about it. It destroys you. It destroys your trust and faith in the person. It makes you feel crazy. Like you're the one with issues.

I thought it would be easy to leave. I knew I had an out and I could easily escape out the back door when shit hit the fan. My friends said otherwise.

"No, you're in too deep" they said. "No, I can leave anytime," I said.

Nope. I'm dying. My heart was ripped out like what was depicted in an Aztec sacrifice ceremony. Held up for all to see.

It's weird to not have you here to close the shutters. You've done it every night for the last three months.

I know I deserve better circumstances, but I can't say I deserve a better man. I deserve the clean amazing version of him though.

I didn't sleep last night and now I'm hung over. My heart goes out to him. I unconditionally love him, which I've never believed in.

Runaway is playing and I can hear my guide going, "How many ways do I have to try to tell you?? Really?! 'Runaway as fast as you can' and you still don't hear me?"