I don't know if I can do this

There isn't much context to this. A week before H picked me up from the airport after I was in Italy for a month, in my car, and completely drunk. He couldn't find where he'd parked my car. When we finally got to my car there was the most incredible bouquet of white flowers that I'd ever seen. Three feet tall at least. At this point I'm close to a blind rage, and I can't appreciate them. If anything had happened while he was driving my car I could have lost my home. Someone could have gotten hurt, he could have gotten hurt. And the worst thing is, I know I can't be with the not sober version of him. It took us hours to get home because of traffic. I couldn't even look at him. He kept trying to hold my hand and kiss me. At one point he quietly said, "This is just mean." and it broke me. This is someone that I stayed committed to the entire time I was in Italy. We'd both poured our hearts out to each other. Cried. Talked about our future. And right then, because he was drunk, my world was crumbling. I let him sleep it off, while in my head I kept repeating, "What do I do?! What do I do?!" He never left. That night we made love, and everything was falling into place, but now I knew. I knew that he was vulnerable and suseptable and as long as that was the case, the future was completely uncertain.

I don't know if I can do this. The amount of anxiety it causes me worrying about if he's drinking on his lunch break or while he's out at his parents is causing panic attacks. I'm so close to just grabbing an Adavant.