Oh Shit, What Just Happened?

How did this happen? Just over a week ago we were meeting each other in person as friends for the first time, I’d sworn off dating because of the upcoming month in Italy, and have my hands and bed full with Mr Gris, The Italian, and the MW. I was even thinking of two of my friends to match this guy up with. And then last night at around midnight we were telling each other we loved each other, and now my world is turned upside down. In the last twelve hours I have rewired my brain to think this will work.

Towards the end of the last year I was married, I was fixated on going to the Valle de Guadalupe for my 35th birthday, to start my renewal. I thought about it so much I started fantasizing about a place that I would own with my next husband, someone I loved beyond measure. We would host people, the home was extraordinary, an infinity pool, large windows, you could smell the sea nearby, and I could picture him wearing breezy linen clothes. I never pictured his face, but imagined the feeling of love and passion. I’ve since stopped thinking about it actually. I’ve been so scattered, I’ve had a really hard time even picturing what I want my future to look like, and that fantasy was a year and a half ago. Do I want to come back from Italy to a corporate job with all of the financial perks, and a cabin in Tahoe in addition to my Oakland home? Is it cashing in my Oakland home and moving to Colorado to start my business? I used to openly joke that I’d sell my home and buy an incredible home in Mexico, and a shitty place in Paris with the money.

Wednesday night Tamarindo showed up in a white linen shirt. He looked great in it. He’s this incredible shade of tan. He’s got a spray of freckles on his nose and cheeks, and a handful of dots scattered around his body. His hair is starting to silver, and I find it incredibly sexy. His eyes though, dark dark brown, and so intense. When he’s thinking about something it’s like he’s in another world. When he looks at me it’s like he’s entering me, always trying to figure me out. When he smiles, my god, he glows. He’s beautiful, and intense, and I keep wondering if this is his thing. How can he be this intense about me? Is he using me the same way Finance was? Is he going to disappear? Am I hoping he does? He kept accusing me of trying to sabotage this. He sees right through me, he doesn’t beat around the bush, he calls things like he sees them. All of which have me feeling incredibly vulnerable and wondering if I may be irresponsible letting him fall for me before I go to Italy. I have absolutely no intention of going to Italy and being in a relationship at the same time. I went through that with my husband when him and I first met and I had signed a contract to go to Alaska for the summer, and it was torture. My heart ached the whole time, and there were at least two park rangers that I didn’t get to sleep with. I’m not repeating that in Italy.

Part of me is upset that he put me in this position, and part of me is upset that I put myself in this situation. We were supposed to meet as friends. Because we’ve been friends on Facebook for three years, he’s seen insights to my dating life, he obviously knew I was going to Italy for a month...So much of him is all wrong. He is totally just getting his life together. He’s newly sober and I get paid to drink for a living. He lives in fucking Tracey with his parents, where my ex is from. How did the second guy I end up in a relationship with have to live with his parents? He’s had to get out of Oakland for his own personal health and habits, leaving what I understand to be a great blue collar job. He is broke. He is not in a position to be a provider, or even an equal partner. He can’t be in my wine world, beyond arm candy. I don’t even know how much we have to talk about because of a lack of things in common, except for the Warriors and Bay Area baseball teams.

But he’s incredible. He opens the door for me, Mr Gris never does. He takes me to see incredible romantic places, and places in Oakland that I either didn’t know existed, or willingly ignored. He takes care of me in ways that The Italian never does. He wants to spend all available time with me, including spending the night. I love waking up to him even if it is just to help him get out the door and to work on time with a coffee in his hand. His family is amazing, I’ve inadvertently already met two of his six siblings, and in a bizarre small world twist, I met and interviewed his nephew for a review of their restaurant nine years ago. And it’s things like this that have me rewriting my future in my mind, seeing connections that I can’t tell if I am forcing, or are truly the way we came to each other. At dinner last night in the family’s restaurant, sitting across from each other, was the furthest apart we’ve been since we met. Every time I looked at him I felt like I was falling deeper in love with him. His family was so wonderful, and funny, and clearly love him, although I feel like he did some serious damage over the last twenty years drinking. That’s the other thing, I don’t know his dark past. I don’t know why he’s been to jail, although I suspect it’s all drinking related. But who am I to judge? Some of my best friends should probably be in jail and aren’t.

He makes me laugh, he makes me swoon, I let him be in the kitchen with me. He holds my hand, and puts his hand on my lower back when guiding me through a crowd. He’s showing me new things, he loves the same music as me, and fuck, truth be told I could live off of tacos for the rest of my life. It’s that kind of love that could set the bed on fire. It has me thinking cheesy lyrics, and looking at the iPhone Live Photos that I took of him last night, over and over again. It has me up at five am hand making tacos from fresh masa and packing him a lunch of homemade carnitas and tomatillo salsa for work. It has me thinking about selling my house in Oakland, and buying an amazing house in Mexico, and a shitty place in Tahoe. Having him become the one in the linen suit, kissing me by the pool, greeting guests as they arrive in a town car for a week of incredible meals, hospitality, and tours of the Mexican wineries.

#Tamarindo #SingleinOakland #single