This Month is *Almost* Over

19 days with no alcohol, sugar, gluten, or dairy. I’m personally amazed. Last week was ridiculously hard. Every time I do a cleanse I’m reminded of how happy food makes me, but this is the first time that I’ve cut out alcohol when it’s been the entirety of my career. And last Thursday I was in mid meltdown mode when I posted about it on Facebook, and got amazing support that I wasn’t actually looking for, but turned out I desperately needed. It was still hard though, so I decided to take an edible and get on the elliptical at eleven o’clock at night. I couldn’t have done this without my cannabis card and helpful budtenders. And then I found out that I’d have to discontinue that for another reason that I won’t get into now. So for the next ten days, I’m as sober as can be, which again, I haven’t been since I was nearly a child.

I’ve had dreams the last two nights. I’m not sure what that’s about but it’s been a really long time since I’ve drempt. I’m positive it has to do with me being on my iPhone before bed, but I can’t seem to put it down, especially when there’s so much swiping to do. Last night I dreamt about Friend Zone. We were going to hook up, and then for some reason I let him sleep on my couch and I forgot about him. Not sure what that was about, but I still think about the guy. Actually, as I look up I see the target from the day he took me to the shooting range, and it’s right next to a piece that I painted that says, “Not a single gram of fuck shall be given” so maybe that’s the answer.

February 12 was the hardest. I was CRAVING wine. I wanted to chug a bottle of Champagne and follow it with anything else I could get my hands on. I got a ton of support when I posted about it online, but my god I am never doing a full month again. Ten days max! This has been really fricking hard. I'm at home on Friday nights instead of hanging out with friends, and I'm less inclined to accept dates until I'm drinking again.

I’m doing ayahuasca tomorrow. I’d signed up for it months ago, and I’ve remained equal parts nervous and excited. Nervous that I’ll have a bad trip or see things that I don’t want to see, and excited that it has the potential to “fix” me. Fix my insecurities, make me lose weight or find the discipline to work out all the time, make me depend less on alcohol, be more disciplined and motivated with work, be a better person, be a better family member, attract the right kind of person, etc. I’m putting a lot of pressure on this plant medicine. I’m going to spend the next day leading up to it eating minimally (not looking forward to the purging), trying to meditate, reading, hanging out in the hot tub, drinking tea, and watching every last thing I can on ayahuasca.

#single #singleinoakland #ayahuasca #DryFebruary