When it Doesn't Feel Right

The truth finally came out, through texts, yesterday, that he'd left his job and had basically been lying to me for at least 6 weeks about it. I dropped him and his kid off at home on New Year's day, after a fairly awkward afternoon at my home with the three of us. It was the first time he’d brought his son to my house. It wasn’t my idea, but as usual, he put me in the awkward position of having me drive in and out of the city. He kept asking me what was wrong in the car, but I didn’t want to talk about it in front of his kid. After we dropped him off with his mom, I told him that things weren’t adding up. He kept saying he understood what I was saying, but became cold and distant. He came back to the car and kissed me, saying that he thought it would be that last because of what I was saying.

I took the dogs to the beach. I was sad, but after a night of talking to my girlfriends on New Year’s Eve about our relationship and that something didn’t feel right, it made more sense for me to speak my truth. I knew he wasn’t the one, but I don’t want to be used. But it also made me sad. He ended up coming over yesterday, he took the train out again. After making me wait all day to talk in person. I was pissed and annoyed that after everything that we’d been through over the last few days that he’d take BART out. I’d mentioned I did not want him to take the train out to see me anymore. It puts me in an awkward situation. I don’t want to be his chauffeur, I don’t want to drive him in and out of the city, I don’t want to feel like an ass for dropping him off at the train.

We talked, I still don’t feel like things are resolved. They aren’t. I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone that has lied to me, that is broke, that isn’t generous, that is living with his parents that he has a terrible relationship with. I want someone that thinks I am, and tells me I am beautiful, and that has a sex drive and passion that convinces me that he crazy for me, someone that isn't going to drive away after a fight.

He stayed the night, we had the usual great sex, or really good. I can’t believe he makes me cum every time. But it feels more like a sweet friendship with occasional sex. I still love cuddling with him. I want to tell him I love him over and over when he’s holding me, but I know I’m not in love with him. I know that he’s not what I want, expect, need, or deserve.

I just dropped him off at the train. I wanted him to leave. I need to concentrate on work, I need him to not be around, me worried about feeding him, or him raiding my kitchen. And yet, the moment I got home my heart hurt. I miss having him, but when he’s here, it’s obvious he’s not what I want.

#single #singleinoakland #torn