What I Really Want

We got in a massive fight two days ago. We were cuddling in bed, and he does the usual launching of questions at me like a kid. The Why, then why, then why, then why...that covered everything from my recent dating history to recent relationships, including the one with Friend Zone that ended unexpectedly, then to my family, and ended with my sibling’s suicide attempt. When I finally told him to stop, I started crying. I don’t get emotional, and I certainly don’t cry in front of people. I don’t know why he kept pushing, but I went catatonic. I just laid there and cried silently while he said he was sorry, and then he eventually turned over. He fell back asleep and I left the room after a while to clean up the kitchen. I couldn’t go back into the bedroom yet, and sat at the kitchen table. He hollered something at me from the bed and I ignored him at first. I went back in there a few minutes later and by the time I got back in bed with him and just sat there, he decided to get up, pack all of his shit. ALL of it, including everything in his drawer, and went to leave. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I asked him to get back in bed with me, we snuggled for a bit, and then he announced he was leaving. We ended up sitting at the table, and arguing for a couple of hours. His need to run away from stressful situations, and my inability to communicate. He ended up leaving after I thought everything had been resolved, because he took something that I said the wrong way.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. It was so easy for him to leave. I had told him, that he was throwing everything away if he left. And he did. He eventually came back, but it was too late. I went into a really dark place. A really dark place. He just wanted to come back and cook, and he did. He filled my kitchen with acrid burnt oil smoke, a smell that still lingers, while using up almost every ingredient in my arsenal, to cook two pounds of chicken hearts…

I honestly feel used, and mislead. He said he was in finance for twenty years, he boasted about his wealthy upbringing, about his trips around the world, about a home he owned, about how much his wedding, and divorce cost...but in the end he only ended up taking me out to dinner twice, to a movie once, and I drove every time, sometimes several times in and out of the city. He used everything in my kitchen, ate all of my food, smoked a bunch of my pot, drank a ton of my liquor cabinet, I bought his friend a bottle of wine on our third date for his birthday, bought his kid and his kid’s friend lunch, bought a ticket to go watch him and his kid in a play, brought him back something from my trip to Mexico, I took care of him for a week when he was sick. I went with him to pick up his kid from his wife. We didn’t exchange gifts for Christmas, we didn’t end up leaving town together, which was the only thing I really hinted at/blatantly asked for. And I fell in love with him for a minute on Christmas night. I felt like I made love for the first time.

He left the next morning after the fight. We had a great night together snuggling, and we had sex once at night and once in the morning. He stayed long enough to cook the rest of the hearts, and thoroughly clean the kitchen. He kept wanting to take more stuff, take the tomatoes we pickled home, he took one of my shirts. He never brought his things back in, and his phone and iPad were nowhere to be seen, whereas before I was the one making sure that it was charged and slept next to them.

And even as I write all of this, as I went through the motions today, waiting for him to call or text me, then writing him off, I miss him. I’ve got a stupid thread of hope that he’ll call and say that he’s on his way to spend the night. It would be the last night for a while, he picks up his kid tomorrow for four days.

This isn’t what I want. Yes, he's attractive, he’s massive, and I feel safe and protected in his arms. I do feel loved with him, but I’m not in love with him. And I don’t feel like he can provide for me. I don’t feel like he can keep up with me in bed. He’s immature and has annoying mannerisms that drive me nuts. I’m not really sure what he brings to the table besides being an amazing snuggler.

I want someone who is romantic, is manly, is great in bed, is generous, is spontaneous, and adventurous. Is thoughtful.

My heart hurts. It was hurting when I repeated over and over in my head that I loved him. And it hurts now, thinking that we’re over. Even though it’s not what I want out of a partner.

#single #singleinoakland #feelingused