Shit Gets Complicated

Finance picked us up from the airport and then never really left my home for the next eight days. We were back on a Monday and he spent every night with me until Wednesday morning of the next week. It was great for the most part, we had good conversations, cooked together, snuggled non stop, had sex almost once a day. Had a couple deeper conversations about where we were at individually...One night we got drunk and I deleted his Tinder and told him I wanted to be exclusive.

Wednesday night I had plans to have dinner at a friend's house for her birthday. The guy that was my original crush towards the end of my marriage was there. I still would love to be with him. He’s so great. But I also casually mentioned Finance, that I had a boyfriend, how happy we were...yeah, I tried to make him feel like, “sorry dude, you had your chance.” Finance called a few times, I didn’t want him to interrupt but it made me really happy to hear from him. One call earlier that day wasn’t really about anything, and he just said, “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

He started calling me Sweetie, and in one text said, “Hey Baby Doll”. I love that shit, I love the pet names. My heart started to do that ache thing when we’d be intertwined in the mornings. When I woke up in the middle of the night last night (our second night apart) I wondered where he was. We slept together naked every night, we took showers together, we kissed all the time.

Before I went to bed on Wednesday I texted him, “Are you really truly not going to be in my bed tonight?” I got no response. On Thursday I had a work meeting that we both knew was going to be intense and would impact my future with the company. I texted him in the morning that I was waiting to go into the meeting, I called him and it kept going straight to voicemail. I also knew that if I wasn’t charging his phone or ipad every night he wasn’t going to do it, but still. After the meeting I couldn’t get ahold of him. I called him again and he texted me that he’d call me around 5. He didn’t so I called him around seven, he texted that he’d been in a fender bender but was okay. I asked him if he’d call me when he had time and he said, “sure”. I never heard back from him.

One of the last conversations we had before he left the house was how if he said he was going to call he needed to call. I admitted that I wasn’t good with communication so me telling him this was a big deal for me. He apologized and said to call him, that sometimes he forgets. I’ve seen him forget. I’ve seen him tell his best friend he is going to call and doesn’t. But yesterday was a really hard day. He knows he can text me at any hour of the day and either I’ll get it or it’s in the Do Not Disturb hours and it won’t bother me. Now I’m sick to my stomach. After going back and forth about wanting to be with him, that almost every day I was saying, He’s dead to me, or, Nah, I love him...we post photos together on facebook, have the exclusive conversation, and then he disappears again.

Yeah, I can list all of the reasons I shouldn’t be involved with him...I have reservations about his job and this massive fine he owes, he didn’t invite me to a holiday party he went to last night, his ex wife is nuts and still asks him for money, he has annoying habits like inhaling his food, picking on me, being too silly in bed, not having the same sex drive as me, not telling me I’m beautiful, feeling like we’re more friends with benefits than lovers, living with his parents, not introducing me to his parents. So yeah, maybe his is just a warm body. A massive warm body that makes me feel safe and loved, and appreciated, and talented, and he’s proud of me and my background as a chef. But maybe that’s it. Maybe I do need more and shouldn’t settle. But for right now it feels really, really good. It was nice to belong to someone, it was great to know that I was desireable enough to have someone go above and beyond to spend time with me. But right now, in this moment I’m confused and hurt and insecure and angry. And sad. WTF.

#ItsComplicated #RedFlags #single #singleinoakland #Expectations