Isn't it Ironic?

I set up a cool brunch date with this dude last week and then the next morning he texts me at 630 in the morning bragging about accomplishing two cups of coffee and the 3 S’s. Gross. Dude is pretty intense. Kind of lacking social graces and wore too much cologne, which was to cover up the fact that he smoked, which is a deal breaker for me. We exchanged dating stories, and overall we had a good enough time, but the whole time I kept expecting to hear from exFriend Zone, but knowing that I wouldn't.

Overall I'm in a really bad place today. Crossing the line with Friend Zone fucked me up. I don't need to get laid anymore. As a matter of fact I'm pretty much over that mission. I've gotten my confidence back, I've got a great vibrator, and I've discovered online porn. What I need and want is companionship.

There's a hidden beach my friend brought me to last year. I haven't spent nearly enough time with my dogs and I needed to get away by myself and get some perspective. Friday night was so great I couldn't have been happier. Everything has been awesome, I keep saying that I'm happier than I've ever been. So why am I so low right now?

Anyway, I set out for the coast in a full on rage. I listened to good music the entire time, told myself why exFriend Zone is all wrong for me, and wanting to kill him for giving me all of that deep bullshit about wanting more. I was so distracted driving. I was speeding down Highway 1 when I finally got out there. I wasn't paying attention to the scenery, the fresh air. I was so focused on the destination, I couldn't find it.

I passed it at least twice. And while I'm racing from one landmark to the next, flying by other beaches with people taking full advantage of spots that I'm taking for granted, it's beyond ironic. I realize it. It doesn't help much. I believe more than anyone that things happen for a reason. In a certain timeline. But it's also complete bullshit. I don't want to wait until my charts say I'm going to find love again. I want it now. I don't want to wait until my dream company gets their shit together before they hire me, I want to be working for them now. But I don't want to risk a long time career by coming on before it’s time. And that's probably true for a relationship. I want it to last. I want it to be real. I want to wake up in love, not angry and filled with resentment and self loathing.

Will Gardner texted me to check in and we ended up cutting things off. I’d been thinking about it, but it also made me really sad. I ended up playing with the dogs and walking along the beach for hours, staying well after the sun set and was in a mildly better mood. I took myself out to a really nice dinner, sent exFriend Zone a random text and told him to kick rocks, and by the time I got home I was in a better, but not great, place.

#single #singleinoakland #isntitironic