So what now?

Yup, I’m back, and I haven’t heard from him. I resolved to not text him again (which I fight every hour of every day). He knew when I was flying back in, he didn’t call or text, I haven’t been on Tinder in weeks. I am way too worried about the repercussions of having a guy I’m into or sleeping with see that I’m on there and think that I’m sleeping around, so he should keep sleeping around. Nope, I want that ish all about me.

But you know who has been messaging me and calling me? Will Gardner. Every day. He checks on me, we laugh, I think about him, he thinks about me. It’s not weird. He isn’t sending me anything creepy, he doesn’t even say anything creepy. He want’s to “wine and dine” me. Granted, Buena Vista was a solid 9, and this guy...isn’t. But he’s thoughtful, he’s funny, he’s caring. And guess who got laid last night? That guy. He made me feel beautiful, desired, and sexy. And cared for. But he’s not Buena Vista. Thinking about him taking his shirt off doesn’t send me into full body spasms. And although Buena Vista was better looking than he was in bed...this guy has a lot to learn.

And then I think, wow, Buena Vista was exactly what Tinder is supposed to be. We meet, have drinks, have great chemistry, have pretty amazing sex, several times, no strings attached...but then I started getting the lines blurred. He contributed to that, telling me stories about his great kid, telling me about his family, his home life, his future ambitious plans, I gave him my favorite book, I gave him a new toothbrush, I made him breakfast, I had him in my home, I had him in my bed.

So what do we learn from this? Well, I definitely learned that I do not have the body of someone that deserves to be fucking a 9. But I shouldn’t need a 5 or 6 to make me feel like an 9 instead of a 6 or a 7.

My trip to New York jogged me back to reality too. I’m having a truly great time. I’m catching up on lost opportunities for fun and connection, and lots o’ dick. But I’ve also lost sight of my business and goals, and motivation, and the opportunities to work on some of the projects I’m working on are truly amazing. I want to be the best candidate when a position at the company I’ve been vying for becomes available. I want to earn necessary certifications, I want to be published again. I want to know that I deserve a man that I will not be settling for. I want to have the body that gives me confidence and pride in everything and everyone that I do.

So where to now? Back on Tinder, back to the Italian, enjoy the time with Will Gardner, but make sure he doesn’t get hurt. He’s pretty great, but I can already tell it’s not likely to go where I ultimately want to be in a relationship. I think what I need, is to be more disciplined. Not get blackout drunk on an almost weekly basis. Not feel fat and bloated and exhausted for a day or days after. I need to commit to myself. I need to make the things happen that I have been shelving for the past decade, or even the past few months while I attempt to catch up on everything I feel I’ve missed out on. I need to make myself a priority. Not get distracted by hot guys, or guys that are wasting my time. Get fit, further my career, and get laid. Smartly.

#single #singleinoakland #Tinder